2023. 

Every year I say this, but I’ll throw it out there and say that 2023 has been a year. 

*A year that brought some of the greatest joys I have ever lived.

*A year of radical transformation and identity shift.

*A year where, to be completely honest, responsibilities have changed, and life has become much bigger than taking care of myself alone.

*A year where I’ve been stretched in many ways.

*A year where I’ve drawn closer at times, but at other times I’ve fallen away.

For the past few years, I’ve picked a word to describe the year that was coming to a conclusion. Well, almost every year. Insert face palm here when I think about how I forgot 2022. In 2020, my word was “held”, and in 2021 my word was “here”. When thinking about 2023, however, I cannot help but realize that the word “Always” not only describes this year, but last year (2022) as well. So maybe I was actually forward thinking in that, my 2022-2023 word was going to be combined into one word that’s extra awesome. 

We’ll go with that.

As some of you know, 2023 has been a big year – it was the year that my husband and I welcomed our first earthside child. Absolutely beautiful. So thankful. You’ll see her spattered all over my social accounts, her handprint on our Christmas tree, her face on our family Christmas card. You’ll see her on my hip or dad’s when we go anywhere. Outside of separating during the working hours, you’ll see her with myself or dad almost every hour of the day. She is our miracle child, and I thank God for her every day.

But our story is bigger than that.

I’ve been feeling crazy convicted lately to share more of our story as a family, because God has done some tremendous work in our lives, where the song has gone unsung and the credit has not been given where it has been due. So, I’m feeling like now is the time, right here.

My husband and I were married in May of 2021. It was really the most beautiful day. We kept things simple and personal. We didn’t want the “big shebang”… We wanted every piece of our wedding to be personal and involving the people that we loved. I wanted to express who we are through every element of the day. I did a ton of things myself as “DIY’s” because that is what I wanted to do from the getgo. And, let’s be honest, I wanted to be frugal and wise with our money, because I was feeling convicted to do so with our wedding. But, most importantly, I wanted every single person there to hear the gospel. I knew that this wedding could be the only time that some of our guests ever stepped into our church home, and I wanted them to hear who Jesus is, what He has done for us, and what He has done for them. And man, did the people we love deliver. When I think of the day, I cannot help but think about how every element of it was us, was Jesus, was everything I ever could have wanted and more, without the price tag of many modern weddings. 

I am beyond thankful that our marriage was founded on the firm foundation of the gospel, of what Jesus has done for us, from the very beginning as God orchestrated our meeting, our engagement, our wedding, and eventually our marriage. Without Jesus, I know this would have been a different story.

You see, my husband and I had decided early on in our engagement that we wanted to have kids early in marriage. We decided that we didn’t want to wait for many reasons, many of them personal. We had gotten married in May of 2021 and I had gotten pretty sick (a “superbug” per the doctor) in August 2021. I required IV antibiotics for a few weeks that completely wiped my system, and I knew that this lessened our chances of being able to have a baby until my system recovered. However, wouldn’t you know, we saw two pink lines in October of that year. We were having a baby!

I’ll never forget the moment – my husband and I were going away for the weekend to Door County camping (side note – tent camping in Door County in October was so fun, but also crazy cold!). I don’t know why I even thought of it, but I took a pregnancy test to make sure I could have an alcoholic beverage if I wanted, and sure enough there were two pink lines. I always imagined the way I would tell my husband we were having a baby, but yelling at my hubby as I was sitting on the toilet asking him to take a look to make sure it was actually legit wasn’t exactly the way I imagined things to go. Either way, after four more tests that day, two more the next morning, and three more a couple of days later, I decided that it was probably true – I was probably pregnant. We told our parents and our closest family members, but a few weeks later we had our appointment for an ultrasound and we found out we would be miscarrying. We would never hold this child in our hands the way we had thought we would. No heart beat. No signs of life. Nothing. 

I could expand on those following months all day, but this isn’t the time or the place. 

One thing I do know is this: God was in that ultrasound room. He walked me out to my car that day when I thought I would collapse. He was there when we had to go back and tell everyone we were losing this child. He was there when I held our first, “Hope” is what we call her, in the bathroom of my home after she had passed. I know He was there because He does not leave or forsake those who love Him. He is the God of comfort, the God of love, our beautiful sustainer, redeemer, and salvation, and He does not change. Therefore, if He was all of those things, He continues to be all of those things. THAT is the truth.

We’ll fast forward to July of the next year. My body took a long time to “normalize” after miscarrying Hope, and due to it being over a year without a successful pregnancy it was recommended to us to see someone who could help us. Tests galore, talk of “infertility”, the whole shebang. Now, I’m not proud of myself over that period of time. I had a mental spiral that caused a lot of things and thought patterns I am truly not proud of. Again, I could talk for days about that. One thing I do want to reiterate is that we had just begun this journey. I know many who were, have been, and continue to be in a place of infertility. I know many who have been there for years, decades. If you are there, truly, I pray for your miracle and for you to know how loved you are, how valued you are, how incredibly STRONG you are. We had a small period of time there, but I know many who have invested significantly greater emotionally, financially, and physically than we ever had to. My heart breaks, but I pray for your miracle and for you to know that God is there for you too. 

In our story, God was there. He was with me during the imaging, the tests, all of it. He held me, carried me, and through His word He told me it was all going to be okay.

They ended up finding a reason – a reason that could explain our miscarriage, a reason that it was difficult for me to get pregnant, a reason for the difficulty my body had recovering from the miscarriage and for all the lingering “stuff” (I’ll spare you the details). I was scheduled for a surgery in October.

But still, God was there.

Then, two pink lines, two weeks after my procedure date was set. My daughter. Ironically, I checked to make sure I could have a beverage at a wedding I was in. I couldn’t believe it. I took seven more. Immediate joy, delayed fear. I wasn’t supposed to be able to get pregnant until after this surgery. 

*“God, how can this be?”

*“God, this is completely amazing. You are GOOD.”

*“God, I know all things are possible, but also I didn’t think this was possible”

*“God, thank you, thank you, thank you for this child”

*“God, the odds are low that this baby will survive and I can’t lose another one”

*“God, YOU are able.”

*“God, I am scared.”

*“God, I trust you.”

God was in that bathroom that day. He was there when I cried happy tears and tears of fear. He encircled my husband and I as we embraced in the kitchen, knowing full well that we had already lost Hope. He was there as we contemplated telling anyone, because we feared we would have to tell them about another loss. He was there as I cried through conversations, as I would tell those I love “If I have this baby” and “If this baby makes it”. He was there as I suppressed most of my excitement early on in the pregnancy, so I “wouldn’t get my hopes up”. He was there through the entire pregnancy, through three admissions to the hospital for high blood pressure and through the pre-eclampsia that sealed the deal on an early induction to keep baby and I healthy. He was just as much there when the midwife put our child on my chest after delivering her as He was when they took her away because I had a “massive” hemorrhage that made me lose over half my blood volume. He made skilled hands miraculously available to stop the bleed at the right time. He brought a nurse to my head, reassuring me that everything would be okay, as 20-30 extra sets of hands arrived to my room to provide emergency care and I teetered in and out of awareness of what was going on. I can’t remember her name. God brought her to me and another nurse to my husband as he watched it all unfold.

Our daughter. 

Absolutely beautiful.

The greatest gift, with the exception of God Himself, Jesus, and my marriage to my wonderful husband.

God didn’t stop being there. You see, I tend to fall into this habit of thinking that God’s only there sometimes. It’s easy to forget. I’m not saying that is the right way of thinking (because it is definitely WRONG and a LIE), but I am saying that I do tend to forget. Lord God, forgive me of this sin. Because He has not stopped being here. Through the late nights with our daughter. Through my recovery and Lorelai’s rough start with feeding. Through my husband’s job change that shifted His schedule to overnights. Through every single circumstance, God has been there, always.

Not only that, but I have honestly really struggled getting into the word this year. I thank God every day for bringing me a mentor and family into my life who have all been a source of encouragement and truth, because I am so dang hard on myself. I am quick to give grace to others yet so difficult to give grace to myself. I thank God for showing up through the family and friends who I love so dearly. I thank God for showing up just as much when I’m in the word and studying the bible as He does when I haven’t opened my bible all week. He is always consistent with His character – He is good, trustworthy, steadfast in love, humble, my rock and my shield, always in pursuit of His children even when they fall short. Among other things.

2022 and 2023. Always. He is always here, through absolutely every circumstance in 2022, 2023, in the years before, and in the years to come.

Always.